I warned you I was allergic to that shampoo, but did you believe me?  Oh no, not you, think you know everything, don’t you?  Well, now my face is melting, so let’s hear your clever idea for fixing that, Vidal Buffoon!

Your “Gary” has the (echo effect) Jowls of DESSS-tiny, Heather Y.

Washington, D.C. — Outraged legislators renewed calls for banning human-animal hybrids after researchers at the Frankenstein Institute for Extremely Scary Science announced the creation of a “lambaby.”  According to a spokesperson for an angry mob that stormed the Institute, “arghle grumble blaarphle rhubarb rhubarb!”

I have just one word for you, Brynne M.: PASICKIE!

Heeerrrrrre, birdie, birdie, birdie. At some point, you’re going to need a drink of this niiiice water I brought you. Maybe not in the next minute, maybe not in the next hour. But I’ve got alllllll day, boys, and you’re the only thing on my calendar.

The early cat gets the bird, Karen M.

The piano is my forte, and I love to lie down in it,
It suits my laid-back at-etude, I don’t care how you spinet.
When I’m keyed up, can’t stay upright, life’s tempo gets too taxing,
I lie for just a minuet, and presto! I’m relaxing.

I’m never too Bizet to take a nap where notes are rolling,
When melodies float like the breeze, this console’s quite consoling.
So play whatever song you like; Chopsticks to Clair de Lune-a,
For where there’s a piano, I expect piano tuna.

We all octave a kitty like that, Kristina V.

I’ve been trying to look more evil and less snuggley, I swear. And yes, I’ll try to grow into my paws faster. Look,  I know I have a lot to live up to, but I’m trying. Really. Please, I can’t sit in these Smurf undergarments any longer.

Azrael, a little help here?

Papa Smurf had a big ass, Sandy S.

Schwenksville, PA — Police today ended a reign of terror as they apprehended notorious crime lord “Feathers” McGinty, suspected of masterminding KFC and Chick-Fil-A robberies across five states.

I’ll have the “chicken surprise,” Anthea M.

I don’t get it. What does she do? What do you mean, she just sits in there all day? Can you tap the glass or something? She has an Artist’s Statement??? Because as far as I can tell, she’s neither an artist, nor does she make any kind of statement. You know what? Here’s my statement: You come to my house tomorrow and I’ll charge you $40 to watch me sit on the couch all day. How’s that?

Heavy on the tannins, Marco B.

Stefanie had been looking for it for months, so she was thrilled when she finally found her ring under the bed. Of course, her discovery made her realize that she should really clean more often.

Nice dust bunny, Stefanie H.

It happened so fast that he barely heard the massive snorf or felt the violent whoosh of air. But when he looked down, Paul realized that his entire forearm had been sucked up her trunk, and the look in her eyes said, “I don’t have to give it back, you know.” It was the first and last time Paul would play “I got your nose!” with Ellafante.

That’s a risky little game, Christoph G.

Starting right meow, we’re posting kittens whenever we like. We’re not waiting for special holidays or Caturdays to roll around. It’s meow or never Mother’s Day! Hurry up meow!

Not so funny meow is it Amy S.?

This is “Captain” Lance Monkeypants in CuteCopter One, and we’re getting reports of puppies attacking cars on the southbound I-812 at Bleen Street.  This is a multiple-puppy situation, very aggressive, and they are simply not letting any car get past them, so drivers are advised to use surface streets until further notice.

Now over to Ellie B. with the weather!

Avast there, ye sea dogs!  Just because I’ve only got one eye, ye’ve got no call ta be throwin’ me in the trash with the rest of the bilge water!  That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!  (Now where did I put me spinach?)

Have you considered adding an eye patch and a parrot, Laura S.?

A while back, Meg featured some orangumazing photos of Suryia and Roscoe, the orangutan and hound-dog buddies.  Now, thanks to sender-inner Marilyn T., you can see the heartwarming story of how they met.  On your mark, get set, awwww!

They never listen—watch, it’s gonna arrive with broccoli on it.

Sorry about your Bunday, Annie T.

BEFORE!

AFTER!

HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN Marissa Q.!?

This thing is really getting in the way of my alfalfa nomming.

Des M., you might want to try an apple a day, as a precaution.

[chipmonnk voice] “Oh, were you gonna eat this?”

Surely you can spare one, Julia G.?

KTHXBYE!

Tia A. claims George (tinfoil) and Olive (bed) are astronauts, and that some guy named Jonathan took this picture. I’ll call LOL-NASA to double check her sources.

Puppular Nose Freckles! Check this dotted muzzlepowsche action!

Did you really think I wouldn’t give you an Xtreme Close up?

C.O.X.P.N.F.C.U.!

Damn hamsters are always ME ME ME!

Stephanie W., I hope things improve.

We’ve all seen them, envied them:  They are the Cubicles of Unfathomable Awesomeness, beacons of style in the soulless sea of the modern workplace.  Is your cubicle unfathomably awesome?  Look for these tell-tale signs:

• Multiple pages from the Cute Overload Page-A-Day Calendar, the only calendar specially formulated to melt away those stressful brain cells.
• The almost-nearly-completely-as-cool calendar for the ASPCA!
• Pen. (Pens rock!)
• Telephone with more buttons than the Millennium Falcon.
• Web browser open to Google Analytics, bringing instant karmic enlightenment to statistics junkies.

And the crowning touch, the crème de la cool…

• Puppy in your in-box!

Cool pup + cool job = cool you, Ayumi S.